Momma Babble V005

So, it's been a while since I shared out how motherhood is treating me. Last time I checked in, I was about to go back to work. Well, I've been back to work for 9 weeks now. Part of me was very ready for some routine in my life and was really looking forward to being back in the classroom. A bigger part of me was struggling with the concept of going from spending every waking (and non-waking - LOL) hour with my baby boy, to having about a solid 2 hours of "awake" quality time with him each day. He's always so happy when he wakes up in the mornings, even when it's 5am. It pains me to have to load him up in the car and take him to someone else for the day, when I know that there's going to be tons of smiles and giggles to be experienced. When I pick him up in the evenings and bring him home, it's the end of his day and he's tired. He tends to be a little more fussy and temperamental in the evening. It's hard knowing someone else is getting "the best part of his day."

 

I knew it was going to be hard... and I was hoping it would get easier. BUT IT HASN'T! In fact, the more interactive he becomes, the harder it is to walk out the door and leave him in the mornings. There's a lot of stress and pressure at work, and I often find myself daydreaming of being home with my baby. Thankfully, I get multiple text and picture updates throughout the day... so that helps! But I really just miss being with my baby. Such a struggle! I know I'm doing the right thing by working to provide a nice life FOR my baby... just hate the sacrifices that have to be made in doing so. I live for my weekends so I can spend my entire day with J.

 

Another "struggle" that I faced since going back to work was realizing I was going to have to start supplementing with formula much sooner than I originally hoped. My goal was to breastfeed exclusively until Jesse was 6 months, and over the summer I had stock piled a couple hundred ounces of frozen milk. I quickly found when I started back to work that I was producing about HALF as much as Jesse was taking in bottles while I was away. I would pump anywhere from 8 - 12, sometimes 14 ounces and he would consistently take closer to 18-22 ounces while I was at work. The frozen stash began to deplete tremendously... and (sorry for TMI), but my menstrual cycle decided to return at 10 weeks postpartum, and during those weeks each month, my supply tanks BIG TIME. Needless to say, the frozen stash dwindled away to the point that I knew we were going to have to start supplementing with formula sooner than I wanted.

 

I tried my hardest to keep up with Jesse's intake... I was pumping on the way to work, 2-3 times during the school day in a storage room, on the way to get Jesse after work, while I was nursing Jesse in the evenings... and I would even set my alarm and get up through the night to pump. I was basically killing myself, trying to keep up with him. And then I realized that my sanity is important... and that formula IS NOT the devil... and that it would be okay to supplement when I needed to. So, now that I'm supplementing, I just pump during the school day and have around 8 ounces at the end of the day for his next day's bottles. The rest I make in formula for while I'm gone. He has done wonderfully with taking the formula, and he continues to nurse when we are at home. The only setback we've had with the formula (and it may be completely unrelated) is that he had a little bit of eczema that has gotten worse in the last few weeks that he's been having some formula in his diet. Maybe it's related, maybe it's not - hoping to get some answers tomorrow at the doctor's office.

 

So how am I doing? I'm staying afloat. Barely getting by at work, which is difficult for me to swallow. Last year, it would be nothing for me to stay and work in my classroom till 5 or so... now, I want to get outta dodge as soon as I can after school so I can have more time with my baby. I know I'm not putting forth my personal best, but I honestly just don't have the time (or energy, most days) to keep up with it all. There are lots of new programs and initiatives this year and I'm trying to learn them all, but it's challenging. I don't feel like I'm being a great teacher, and because of the amount of work I have to do at home, I don't feel like I'm being a good mom. It's to the point where I won't even work on school work in the evenings because I REFUSE to sit my baby off by himself to play or watch TV for the sake of doing work... I just can't sacrifice anymore of my time with him, especially during these young years... he'll never be little again and he's growing up so fast! So that means staying up until ungodly hours to get it all done after he goes to bed. ...To then wake up and have no energy to do it all over again the next morning.

 

Everyone tells me that this is something all new moms go though; trying to balance it all. Honestly, I think I'd still be pretty stressed if the baby wasn't in the equation because of all the pressure at work. I was hoping by now, mid-October, that I'd have a grip on things and would have some systems in place that work. But I'm not quite there yet.

 

Just staying afloat. Hanging on.

 

It can only get better... right?

 

 

Momma Babble V003



During my pregnancy, I remember telling many of my girlfriends that I was more nervous about breastfeeding than I was about actually giving birth. I wanted to breastfeed so badly, for the benefits for the baby, the bonding experience, and for the sake of saving some money (formula is expensive!).   This post is about my experience with breastfeeding thus far. If the topic makes you squeamish, go ahead and navigate away from this page :-) Don't worry - there are no boob photos, just a few funny cartoons. This post is not intended to spur debate on breastfeeding vs. formula feeding, either. I just simply want to document my experience as a first time mommy, so that 1) I don't forget what these days are like! 2) I might be able to help/encourage someone else in their own experience as a breastfeeding mommy.   So, let's break the ice... shall we?  

  When Jesse was born, one of the first things the nurse said to me as she was cleaning him off and getting his measurements was, "Are you planning to breastfeed? I hope so - this boy has quite the suck!"   Jesse took to breastfeeding like a champ. It absolutely amazed me that he knew exactly what to do; I just needed to figure out things on my end. What position was going to work best? Would I need to use a nipple shield? Would I be able to get him to latch properly?   Thankfully, I had the help of some AMAZING nurses when I was in the hospital. Each one helped in their own way, with various suggestions. My first nurse had me using the nipple shield to help Jesse latch on, and she showed me how to do the football hold.  

 

The football hold wasn't working the greatest with the nipple shield. I was trying to hold Jesse's head in one hand, hold the shield on my breast with the other hand, while also supporting my breast with that same hand. ....Yeah, it was a crazy juggling act. I was trying to do all of the above and get my baby to latch, and it just wasn't working the greatest when I didn't have the help of the nurse.

 

My next nurse was an older woman. She was helpful during my little breakdown that I mentioned in {{this}} post. She suggested that I try a different position with Jesse, but I just wasn't emotionally in a good place to focus and learn. Instead, she just supported me in a different way. She took my face in her hands and looked me in the eyes and said, "It's okay. It's going to get better. DO NOT GIVE UP! Let's give it a break and try again in an hour. You'll get this." She was so patient and encouraging. I needed that pep talk!

 

That night, my next nurse was a LIFESAVER. She worked with me for hours. She showed me that I didn't actually need the nipple shield. She also showed me how to nurse using the cross-cradle hold. When she showed me how to get Jesse to latch without the nipple shield, I couldn't believe how different it felt. He was "going to town," doing his thing... and it finally felt right. The lactation consultant came in to work with me the following day before we went home, and she agreed that I didn't need the shield and that the cross-cradle position was the best for us. She recommended that I didn't offer the baby a pacifier because he might become confused with the nipple.

 

...And let's take a break. Time for another cartoon:

 

 

 When we got home from the hospital, Jesse continued to do great with breastfeeding. At night time, he had a few nights where he would nurse and then wouldn't want to be put back down to bed. He'd fuss, wanting to suck some more. At 2:00am on one of those long, fussy, "I only want to suck on my Mommy" nights, I went rummaging through the baby's closet to find the pacifiers that had been given to me at my shower. I had the lactation nurse's voice in one ear saying, "Don't do it..." and then I had the voice of reason (AKA my mom) in the other ear saying, "Give him a binky. Some babies just need to suck. It will help soothe him." So what did I do? I listened to my mother, of course :-) I found those pacifiers, washed them, gave one to Jesse... and it satisfied him. He happily sucked away on his binky while I *finally* got some rest. Having the pacifier hasn't "confused" Jesse at all. He still does great with the breastfeeding. If he doesn't have his binky, he starts to suck on his hands. My worry is that he will want to start to suck his thumb. I'd rather he had a binky than deal with the potential ramifications of thumb sucking, but that's just me.  

 

There have been a few fussy nights here and there, where Jesse just wants to nurse, nurse, nurse. Usually these nights fall within a growth spurt. He gets mad - turns red, pulls his head back (while he's still latched... ouch), and starts to cry. It's like he's not getting enough from me. I went online after a few frustrating nights of this behavior, wondering if I should give him a bottle during these fussy nights to help calm him down. Everything I read, though, said "Absolutely not." Your body will produce more milk if it's stimulated to do so - so, unless the baby is nursing/sucking, your body will not produce more milk to meet his demands. Eventually my body caught up with what he wanted/needed. I'm glad I didn't resort to the bottle!

 

I do pump every day and store between 1-3 three ounce servings in the freezer. I'm building up my stock pile for when I go back to work. It's also nice to have a bottle for my hubby to feed the baby occasionally, as well as to be able to go away for a few hours at a time. At first we were using Tommee Tippee bottles, however Jesse was really gassy after he would feed from one of those bottles. So, I switched to the Playtex drop-ins and he does MUCH better with these. No problems at all!

 

My current stock pile...right next to the sweet potato fries, LOL

The great thing about breastfeeding is that you don't have to do a lot of extra prep to get out the door with the baby. As long as I have my nursing cover, I'm okay to breastfeed where ever we go. Some places have special rooms for nursing mothers - which is really nice. Other times, I'm crawling into the back seat to feed the baby when leaving a store. I'm comfortable nursing in public with my nursing cover, but I know it makes some people uncomfortable so I try to find a private place to breastfeed.

 

I'm so relieved that breastfeeding is going well for us. How much longer will I breastfeed? As long as I can. I know it will get tricky when I go back to work, but we will see what happens. I'm so glad I didn't give up when it was difficult in the beginning. :-)