Monday, May 20, 2013

Momma Babble V001

Famous question these days:
 
"So, how's motherhood?"

In two words:

A rollercoaster.

There are definitely wayyyy more ups than downs, but believe me I have experienced my share of both.

I've only been a Mommy for 19 days now, and I have had moments of pure joy and elation... and moments when I couldn't pull myself together after crying when I wasn't even entirely sure why I was crying. Darn HORMONES!!!

Let's start with the night my precious son, Jesiah (aka "Jesse") was born. I cried tears of pure joy as my dream of having a child finally came true. When they laid that 6lb 10oz sweet bundle of fresh baby joy on my belly, I cried. When they turned him over so I could see his sweet face and our eyes met, it was love at first sight. I knew in that very moment that I would do anything for this little boy. Through my tears, I remember saying to him, "We've waited so long for you, baby."

Definitely one of those "high" moments.

Less than 24 hours later, (around 5pm the next day) I was sitting on my hospital bed, exhausted, trying to breastfeed, feeling so darn guilty about the fact that my baby boy had to have that God awful IV in his tiny little arm to help regulate his blood sugars because of MY gestational diabetes. All at once, I started to cry... I couldn't pull myself together. I gave the baby to Jason and was knee-deep in tissues as my family started pouring into the hospital room, expecting to see a glowing new Mommy. I was so overwhelmed by all of the emotions I was feeling. I hadn't had any sleep in over two nights, breastfeeding had started out GREAT but as soon as Jesse got the IV put in, his desire to breastfeed went out the window which left me feeling incredibly confused and frustrated (by the way, his appetite came back full force on the last day in the hospital when he had the IV taken out and breastfeeding has been GREAT since then), and I just felt so guilty about his IV. I was hardly in any shape to have visitors, and as awful as I felt doing so, I had to text a bunch of people that I knew were coming to say that it just wasn't a good time. :-(  I wanted to show off my baby boy... but I literally couldn't stop crying.

Definitely a "low" moment.

Then there are the moments when I watch my husband with our baby boy. I swear to you, my heart feels like it could EXPLODE sometimes when I watch those two together. The way he talks to Jesse, handles him so gently, it makes my heart melt. I see them together and think that everything in my world is perfect and complete. I have an awesome husband and a sweet baby boy. I am a blessed girl.

Total "high" moment :-)



We came home from the hospital on a Friday and Jason had to start back to work that Monday. He started a new job within the year, so he doesn't have a lot of time built up to take off quite yet. So... after the weekend, it was just me and my baby boy. I had help being offered from all angles... but did I take it??? NO!

I wanted to be...


''And how did that work out for you?" you might ask.

It was great for the first couple of days! Jesse was breastfeeding like a champ, we were falling into nice little routines during the day, everything seemed to be going fine and dandy. But then the sun would go down. As it began to get dark, I would have this tightness come across my chest. I think I had some feelings of anxiety as the night time would approach. Initially, Jesse wasn't sleeping the greatest at night. He would want to nurse constantly and would fuss as soon as I would lay him down. I called my mom one night in tears... told her I wasn't even sure why I was crying. I mean, I have such a great baby and things have been going so well. She helped me to understand that I was experiencing normal new mommy feelings... that I was exhausted (this was so true), and having a newborn baby can be overwhelming. Thank God for mothers! She spent some time with me later that week and it was so wonderful just to have someone else here during the day. I think the loneliness was starting to get to me, too. As Jesse has become better with sleeping at night (and my body has adjusted to getting less sleep), those feelings of anxiety have quickly subsided.

Being a Mom has been an awesome experience so far... Yes, there are some low moments when my emotions and hormones take over, but for the most part, I am living the dream that I thought would never come true. :-)

Until the next edition of Momma Babble... xoxox
 
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2 comments:

  1. Oh girl. I can totally relate! I was the exact same way with Holden! Haven't been so much that way the second time around...but having your first baby is definitely a roller paste- especially the first couple weeks. And you just can't be prepared- no matter what anyone tells you- you just have to experience it for yourself! I had the same anxiety about night time. Being a new mom is a BIG job!!! Our bodies go through sooo much and then we have sooo much responsibility!!! And daddies have to go back to work too darn soon!

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  2. I've been there, too. I had to call my mom to come over one night because I just needed a break (Dylan had colic and would scream for hours). She came and I just walked around the grocery store by myself and cried. Hang in there....it gets better (and then worse, and then better again....yep, a roller coaster)!

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